12 Hours
by Lovelyfanfics
Summary: Kathryn's thoughts about Sebastian as he lays slowly dying in a hospital. Review please.


**_12 Hours_**

Songfic

Goo Goo Dolls  
Iris

**12 hours exactly.**

How can I say it? I was wrong. I never had intentions to hurt you, but somehow things ended up getting fucked up. I can't believe it; you're dying. It's only been 12 hours since I got the phone call. I can't believe it. Maybe there was a mistake.

I wish I could cry, and dammit I know it is weak, but I love you. And now that I've admitted it to myself, and I would do anything to tell you- I can't. It's too late.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
__'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
__You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
__And I don't want to go home right now_

**12 hours and 5 minutes.**

I can't go back to that house. It is so empty. I'm absolutely alone in the world now. No more two of a kind, no more diabolical plans, no more inappropriate kisses, and no more knowing glances.

_And all I can taste is this moment  
__And all I can breathe is your life  
__'Cause sooner or later it's over  
__I just don't want to miss you tonight_

**12 hours and 10 minutes.**

It's hard to describe what it is like right now, but I'll try. I feel sort of calm and numb waiting for you to take your last breath. You look like you're sleeping peacefully. I feel very philosophical, and of course I wish that I hadn't done what I done. I wish I had it to do all over again. I would have just ignored your declaration of war, or I would have tried harder to prevent him from coming after you.

What I won't do is apologize for making The Bet or all the other numerous schemes we've used each other for. I won't wish that our relationship was different. And I won't pretend that you loved me. We were always out to trump each other: it was always a competition.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
__'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
__When everything's made to be broken  
__I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 15 minutes.**

Life is so fragile. With a slash of the wrist it could all end very easily. I don't think anyone could ever understand me the way you do. I know, I know, was that me? Or was that **her.**

I want to scream. I want to pull out my hair. It all just makes me mad. All I can do is sit here, across the room, and watch **her** watch **you.** **She **murmurs soft words in your ear I can't hear. The two of you in a little oasis away from the real world, so much like a fairy tale that is too good to be true. I already saw how much it hurt you to break it off with her, and it wasn't because you never broke up properly with a girl before. You became weak cause you fell in love. LOVE.

Love. Humans are weakest of all species, because we love. We form communities. We protect. We feel pain. We feel remorse. Cheesy as it sounds you and I were a community of one. We were the right and left hand of each other; we had an invisible synergy that let us understand and communicate our goals and passions with one another. But I guess now that connection's broken.

I hate **her**, yet at the same time I feel for **her. **She is losing you too.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
__Or the moment of truth in your lies  
__When everything feels like the movies  
__And you bleed just to know you're alive_

**12 hours and 20 minutes.**

I wish I could deny I have soft spot for you, but lying is all I ever did. It doesn't matter now, there's no point. There's a small part of me that has a heart. I'm like the Grinch whose heart was several sizes too small. Having a heart means I can feel hurt, and the truth is that you were the only one that could do the most damage.

So I guess it was **you** who triumphed. The moment I realized that I lost was when you cried for **her.** And I lied to you, and to me, that you were only a toy.

I know I have a heart yet I feel numb. I can't cry and I just feel dry and hollow inside. Maybe it's just a dream and I am the one in the hospital hooked up to all the heart and lung machines. Maybe it's me dying.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
__'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
__When everything's made to be broken  
__I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 25 minutes.**

This is like a terrible movie. I don't want the world to see me. I don't want them to see me so weak and broken. Maybe that's why I can't cry. It's a cold hard habit I can't break. Keeping up appearances.

And I want to take your hand, but to do that I'd have to get up and sit on the opposite side of the bed from **her **and take your other hand. I've never been good with sharing.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
__'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
__When everything's made to be broken  
__I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 30 minutes.**

I've hurt and used a lot of people, and I don't regret it. I've lived a carefree 17-year existence. I won't say it was all happy.

I don't know how much more of this waiting I can stand.

Finally, **she** leaves to use the ladies' room. **She** doesn't even look at me, and only says, "I'm only going to the ladies' room. I'm coming right back."

_And I don't want the world to see me  
__'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
__When everything's made to be broken  
__I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 35 minutes.**

The sound of the machines whooshing, hissing, and beeping seems louder in the dead silence. Tentatively I approach his bedside and take the seat **she **vacated. I think about it a few seconds and then I pick up your left hand.

I don't know how long I sat there, but it must not have been that long cause **she **hadn't come back yet.

_I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 36 minutes.**

I wish I could cry.  
I wish that I hadn't done what I done.

_I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 36 minutes 20 seconds.**

I wish I had it to do all over again.  
I wish I could deny I have soft spot for you

_I just want you to know who I am_

**12 hours and 36 minutes and 21 seconds…**

and then you're gone.

I let go, the doctors rush in and push me out.  
I watch through the glass from outside your room as life rushes back to normal speed.

And my last wish is that the girl you loved, loved you as much, in return.

* * *

This is my first songfic. I came up with this random title while writing this piece, and then I got inspired to weave time into the story. I hope it got the right feeling across. Tell me what you think, I'd really like to know. 


End file.
